Manila, January 2018
“Simon. Nice to meet you,” he said with a toothy smile, holding his hand out to shake mine before taking his seat. Did he have to take the seat next to mine? I asked myself, rolling my eyes.
There was nothing wrong with Simon. The reason for my annoyance was his face—he was so fucking handsome, a fact everyone could agree on. He was also built like a print ad model, with his body sculpted by years of being in his high school swimming team and good genes. His parents looked like movie stars, and they might as well have been, since they represented some of the most infamous politicians in the Philippines of all time. That meant that his family had money… a lot of it. On top of that, he’s a really smart student. I thought I was good at being a law student, but Si was just better. He always sounded confident, although I found out later that he barely prepared for school. He also worked well with what I lacked skill in—common sense.
All that meant that sitting next to him was distracting. It was hard not to have a crush on him. He was perfect.
August 2018
By the end of freshman year, Si and I became close, mostly because his best friend Kyle, our own Mister Congeniality, turned me into one of his projects after our supposedly confidential class rankings leaked and he found out mine. I didn’t mind their company. Kyle always had a story to tell,1 and Si was always the butt of everyone’s jokes because he was conyo, a species of Manileño who grew up knowing nothing but a life of luxury, the kind who forced themselves to speak in Filipino to make friends with the middle class but always ending up sounding ridiculously comedic. He would always be teased about dying at the scent of deep fried street food and about how he’s secretly Nick Young from Crazy Rich Asians, tiger mom who says, “You will never be enough,” included. It helped that he was easy on the eyes, too.
Two things, however, cemented my friendship with Si: the first was that Kyle was away in sophomore year to work on his political campaign, so Si was pretty much forced to hang out with me, given the lack of other options in our class. The second was that he recognised Leo from one of my Instagram stories from mine and Leo’s Drag Race viewing parties. It turned out that Leo was Si’s ex’s boss from when she was interning as a physical therapist. This particular ex of Si’s, Claudine, had been with him for five years before they broke up. They met at church and hit it off since then. He said that they broke up because he was in law school while she was in medical school.2
“How long have you and Leo been dating?” he asked me after telling me why he knew my friend.
“Oh no, we’re just friends.”
“Really? You look really good together.”
“I’m sort of dating someone else, but not really. To be honest, I have no idea what’s going on with that guy either.” And then I told him about my summer fling with the cute Aussie. He immediately became a fan and demanded to know what the rest of my dating history was like. It felt nice to be friends with Si. I was generally awkward around straight boys because the only thing we had in common was having a penis attached to our bodies. I couldn’t talk about bro stuff like sports and cars, and I didn’t want to make an effort to make myself interested in them. It didn’t feel genuine, and in 2018, there was no problem with boys being friends with girls, anyway.3 Being friends with Si was easy, and the only reason that he cared that I was gay was because he wanted me and Andrés to end up together.
October 2018
Although they’d been broken up for almost a year, Si admitted to me after a Saturday-night beer that he wanted to get back together with Claudine. Being the romantic that I was, I was down for helping him get back together with her, giving him unsolicited advice about how to win her back and when to do it. I even promised to get Leo involved because apparently, he and Claudine were still close.
I could tell Si really wanted her back. Still after that Saturday-night beer, I texted Leo asking about Claudine, how she was doing and if he’d help me get them back together. He never replied, but I lied to Si and told him that Leo sent me something, just to gauge his reaction. He was insistent on seeing the reply. He went as far as stopping his car in front of the bar before leaving to force me to spill. He also attempted to call me twice an hour after that. This could be a fun project, I thought.
In admitting that he wanted to get back together with Claudine, Si also said that it wasn’t the right time to do it. He explained that if he fucked up again, that would be it. No more third or fourth chances. It was an issue for him because he felt that he was too young to be committed to anyone. After all, he was only 25.4 In a phrase, he described her as “the one but not yet.”
So he kept fooling around. From being the boy next door you wanted to marry, he became Manila’s resident fuccboi, having sex with a different girl every week, even on school nights. In fairness to him, he would always ask me if it were a bad idea; he had a conscience, too. I would only say no if the girl looked clingy or evil, or if it were a school night and we had a big case load the next day, but I would usually remind him that he was free to do whatever he wanted if he wasn’t ready to get back with Claudine yet.
November 2018
Do you feel guilty about sleeping with other guys? Si texted me one night.
I mean, Andrés and I never talked about being exclusive, and like I said, I’m not even sure if we’re still a thing, but yes. I replied.
I’ve been dating this girl Bianca for a while now. We haven’t really talked about it either, but when you’ve been seeing each other for a month, you’re not supposed to be responding to booty calls, right?
Wait, what’s the deal with Bianca? Why does it sound like it’s going to lock you into a relationship?
IDK. I’m just having a lot of fun with her. It’s a nice feeling, and it’s convenient not to have to tell someone what you like in bed.
I had a crush on Si, so hearing him talk about having sex with girls should have made me uncomfortable, but crushing on him wasn’t what annoyed me about him seeing this Bianca chick. What about Claudine? I dared to ask.
She’s still the one! Si replied. He called me, and continued, “Bianca’s no Claudine, but I just like her so much.”
“I think you’re making a mistake.”
“How though?”
“If you’re going to get back together with Claudine, you know you’re going to have to break up with Bianca, right?”
I could hear Si gulp from the other end of the line.
“Bianca’s never had a boyfriend before. I don’t want to fuck her up by breaking up with her.”
“Oh, so we’re using the B-word now?” I asked, remembering how Andrés said that he would make a bad boyfriend after sending Kulas a photo of the two of us having a good time together. “The longer you keep this up, the worse it’s going to be. She’s already investing her feelings in this, and you owe it to her to let her go easy if you know you’re not going to end up together,” I continued.
“Fuck,” he said quietly. “Fuck, fuck, fuck,” each fuck getting louder than the last. “What the fuck, man? I hate making other people feel bad.”
“Well, I have bad news for you. You’re about to break someone’s heart.”
“Fuck,” was all Si could say.
- One of his stories include how his coked-out driver shot himself in the dick. The bullet has been removed from his penis, but the hole is allegedly still there.
- If you belonged to either institution, just knowing that is a sufficient explanation for why they broke up.
- In your 20s, it really shouldn’t matter.
- Whereas, I’m 22 and frustrated that I can’t get a boyfriend in the three years that I’ve been dating.
Life from the Closet 