No. 44 | Passing Through

June 2018

“Having iced coffees with you in 7-11 at four in the morning… I could be doing that anywhere in the world with you. I just didn’t have anyone to do it with,” I remembered Andrés texting me when we had been discussing what we liked the most about that miraculous second date.  I smiled at the waiter who set a deconstructed hot chocolate and a raspberry and chocolate delice on the bar in front of me. I waiting out the rain in the Grounds of the City, which was not more than 40 steps away from where we had those iced coffees in January.

No. 42 | Kevin from Tinder

Manila, March 2018

Two years ago, I matched with Kevin on Tinder. He was 5’10” and handsome, cultured and well-traveled,¹ and was the heir to a small paint supply empire that had business all over the country. On top of that, he was an archer, which, considering by Filipino boy standards was pretty fucking unique. Our online conversations were sporadic because he had a busy work schedule, and I wasn’t sure if he was even interested in me because while he was responsive to my questions, he wasn’t engaging in conversation. By this point, it’s a bit obvious that we had never met for a date.

By March, the cute Aussie and I continued to talk online. I had already booked a flight to Australia in June, and I had mentioned a few times that I wanted to see him again. I could never tell if he was excited to see me or if he even wanted to because by then, our relationship² had become a little stale, not unlike my relationship with Diego a few weeks after coming home from New York.³ But there would be times when he would say something that would remind me that he was a hot guy who happened to be into me, a species more endangered than the sumatran rhinoceros.⁴ The uncertainty of who Andrés and I were to each other made it difficult to say yes to a date with Kevin when he finally asked me out.

No. 41 | Off With His Head

Manila, fourth week of February 2018

A mess is the proper way to describe how my relationship with Kulas ended. Minutes after my miraculous second date with Andrés, I received a message from Kulas on Instagram. We had been broken up for exactly four days, and like clockwork, he tried to undo the breakup. If he hadn’t done that terrible thing he did before I left to go on vacation or maybe if he hadn’t temporarily blocked me on social media when I ignored his Christmas greeting, maybe, we would still be together, but he could not have chosen a worse time to talk to me. Although still high from my date with the cute Aussie, I was crashing from exhaustion. Everything Kulas was saying came to me as annoying. He was telling me how to feel, as if I had no right to decide where to serve my feelings. It could not be clearer that being in a relationship with him was a mistake.

No. 38 | The Obscurity of Waiting

Sydney, Australia, January 3^rd, 2018

I hadn’t stopped texting Andrés since he got off at his stop. It was already the morning of my family’s departure from Australia. Everyone was in a packing frenzy, but being the OCD, anxiety-driven, type-A control freak that I was, I had finished packing the night before, and was then free to be in my little bubble, texting Andrés. Nothing got to me, not even the hassle of going through airport security, which was busy to the point that it was uncomfortable, as everyone seemed to be going home from their holiday. I was too happy to let anything affect me, not even the thought of going home. I felt completely at peace with myself, knowing that I had done everything I wanted and needed to do on this vacation, minus the part where I wanted to kiss Andrés, but I could always do that in my dreams.

No. 37 | The New Diego

Sydney, Australia, January 2^nd, 2018

I was keen to go on a date with Andrés. He said so himself, why hadn’t I gone out on a date yet? I seemed like a nice guy, he told me on Tinder, and by the time we matched, I had been in Australia for a while. That was a good question with a simple answer—I was in Sydney with family, and last year’s drama of me having a boyfriend made my mom skeptical about my every move. Luckily,¹ my dad got sick after New Year’s, so my mom had to stay at home with him, and my sister and I were free to explore the city on our own.

No. 33 | A Prelude to Heartbreak, one

Batangas, third week of May 2017

Kulas and I immediately made up the morning after our first fight. Over the course of that same weekend, he called me to comfort me when I told him that I was crying. I was crying because I watched the livestream of the new fireworks show at Disney World, and it made me emotional. It was so shallow, yet he didn’t make fun of me for it. The phone call ended with me smiling and saying yes to his invitation to go to the Pinto Art Museum the upcoming Thursday.

No. 32 | The Good Fight

Batangas, third week of May 2017

For the first time, in a long time (For the first time is probably enough), I was dating someone I didn’t have to play games with. It was so easy to be his boyfriend. I felt secure being with him. I wasn’t scared to tell him goodbye because I was assured that we would see each other again. I hate comparing our relationship with my relationship with Walt, but what Kulas and I were doing felt infinitely better—it felt right, like the both of us were really into it. Here was a boy who finally treated me like his boyfriend, not just some guy he could call when he’s feeling horny and leave behind when he’s satisfied. For once, my emotional fulfillment mattered to someone, and he made sure that that would be satisfied, and then some.

Then the realities of the world came crashing down.

No. 31 | Queen Bee

Manila, second week of May 2017

If this were a TV show, consider this the season three premiere, and in this part would be a montage of me and Kulas doing boyfriend things, including but not limited to the following cutscenes: Kulas and I sharing an umbrella on a rainy day in the city, Kulas and I feeding each other stale hash browns at Tim Horton’s, Kulas and I sipping each other’s iced coffees that came with the stale hash browns at Tim Horton’s, Kulas and I holding hands under my jacket in an Uber on the way back to my place from Tim Horton’s, Kulas and I cuddling in bed while watching a movie, Kulas and I making out behind the ruins of Fort Santiago in Intramuros, and Kulas and I sharing bing su at the Korean place down my street.¹ Everything felt good, and let me tell you know, that this issue will not end in heartbreak, not for me at least.

No. 28 | カミングアウト

Hokkaido, Japan, fourth week of April 2017

“You’ll never believe what just happened,” I started telling Astrid over the phone. I was dressed in a kimono, sitting on a hotel bed in Hokkaido. Standing outside my window was a mountain whose name I could not remember, and at its feet was the sleepy Japanese town I just spent the day shopping in. I was not about to brag about my view to Astrid, however. She had been to far more grandiose places than I have been, but I had news that would impress her infinitely more than any mountain in the world could.

No. 27 | Sleeping with the Enemy

Third week of April 2017

Hey. It’s 10. Haha, I texted Kulas. This was all too familiar. I figured, minutes from now, I’m going to receive a text with an insincere apology for needing to reschedule, followed by an excuse that 1) tells me I wasn’t important enough to be on time for, and 2) defeats the purpose of the apology because the excuse was meant to make me feel inferior. Another fantasy I put so much thought into was about to be thrown out again, only this time, I wasn’t wearing a hospital gown for a night of doctor-patient role playing, I was in a cat onesie¹ to pay tribute to the gravity of meow in our dramatic prelude to becoming boyfriends.