No. 26 | Running in Circles

Second week of April 2017

“I miss the way we talk [sic] last night,” Kulas told me on Instagram Direct. “Am I being clingy?” he added.

For someone who allegedly wasn’t looking for a relationship, what Kulas sent told me otherwise. When I went to bed after he left from our first date, he also went through my Instagram feed and liked the cutest photos of me. He was definitely being clingy, and I was legitimately confused about how to deal with him. If the rumors about him being a fuccboi were true, and if he were serious about not wanting a relationship, I had to be careful. On the other hand, he could be easing his way into telling me that he liked me, and if that were the case, I was allowed to be a little more myself.1

Asking Audrey what to do, I was slapped with a blunt, “Stop talking to him because you’re going to go crazy on someone you don’t understand.” She had a good point. What exactly was I fighting for? Standing up, the top of Kulas’s head barely reached my mouth. He didn’t exactly come from money.2 On top of that, he would start reviewing for his board exam in a few months.3

“Are you just trying to make me feel kilig?” ultimately became my reply.

“If you feel it, then go ahead. It doesn’t mean anything, but I do feel comfortable around you. It feels like I can tell you anything,” he replied. Later he added, “Never mind… it might mean something else to you.”

“I just find it weird,” I said.

That’s how we talked for the rest of the week. He would say something synonymous to “I like you,” then I would act cool, then he would remind me that he’s not a relationship person. I even teased him by calling him bae. I asked him if he found that annoying, and surprisingly, he said no.  When we ran out of things to say to each other, I started replying meow,4 and later he picked up on that, going as far as tweeting a photo of chicken nuggets5 with meow in the subtweet. So what was his deal? There was one way to find out: to go out with him again and set things straight.6

On Easter Sunday, I would be going to his school for an exam I had to take. I told him that I wanted him to tour me around the campus, and then we could have lunch and hang out after. The exam happened, but the tour did not because we just held hands in front of UST’s Main Building before deciding to go to Landers7 for cheap pizza.

At that point, I resolved that he wasn’t a fuccboi, at least from my own perspective, because if he were, we should have had sex on the first date, he wouldn’t have kissed me in a supermarket aisle, and he wouldn’t have said yes to hanging out at a Tim Horton’s where we couldn’t take each other’s clothes off.

Four hours into our second date, I had to call it a day.8 Now standing outside Tim Horton’s, holding each other’s hands in a way that we were looking each other in the eye, we asked each other the question that was hanging on in our heads the whole day, “What are we doing?”

“I just want to make you happy for as long as I can,” Kulas started. “Come June, all of this has to end. I need to focus on my exam.”

“I know,” I said. “But I’ve been thinking about it… You and I are both going to be busy at the same time—you with your board exam, me with moving into a new place and starting law school. Nothing really has to change. I give myself enough attention to not want it from other people. You could just be… hmmm… I don’t know, my person, I guess, at the end of the day. You know what I mean?”

“I was thinking the same thing,” he said. “I just can’t.”

“If you’re starting to feel anything, maybe you should just let it happen. I’m already letting you know that I’m starting to feel something,” I said. He just shook his head.

  1. Myself is a hot mess of a human being, if you haven’t been able to tell by now.
  2. On why this is an issue, read No. 21 | Money on My Mind.
  3. Walt and I fought a lot during his review for his board exam. He used his review as his excuse to blow me off from every date he cancelled. On those same dates, he would hang out with friends.
  4. Later on, we started using meow the way the kids in The Fault in Our Stars used okay. Maybe meow was our okay, which was their always.
  5. I got chicken nuggets when we went to McDonald’s the last time I saw him. I also don’t order anything else from McDonald’s.
  6. Or gay *wink* [BAD PUN]
  7. One of Manila’s versions of Costco’s.
  8. I was supposed to be in the city only for my exam. I told my mom that I would be having brunch with my best friend Audrey to excuse being with Kulas for so long.

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