Manila, first week of April 2017
“He’s not really my type, but I’ll swipe right anyway because he’s sort of cute, and I’m really horny,” I thought about this guy I was on the fence with on Tinder. I know that at the start of the year, I said that I would be looking for something serious, but old habits die hard. I’m back to taking what I can get. From his profile, Kulas looked like he was 5’4”. He was giving me subtle fuccboi vibes from the outfits1 he had on in his photos, but he did go to a good school2. Thank God we matched, or else, all of this judgment would have been for nothing (except for my satisfaction because I’m a bitch).
I didn’t date him immediately. I asked Audrey what she thought about Kulas because in our group, dating a new guy is like buying a new dress: your girlfriends’ opinions have to be taken into consideration before making a final decision. Because Audrey was as extra as I was, she took more time than I did to investigate Kulas’ social media profiles. Turns out, they shared a mutual friend, someone who could confirm his sexual preference because honestly, he looked way too straight to be dating a guy.3
A day into her investigation, Audrey’s source, the mutual friend, validated everyone’s hunches about Kulas. She also answered a list of questions I sent to Audrey about him. Before Audrey brought up anything, the source had already thought that he was bisexual4. Finding out that he would actually be going out with a guy (or at least as soon as he and I scheduled it) confirmed everything. As for my questions: yes, he was short (shorter than Audrey!); yes, he was cute; yeah, he was a fuccboi5; OMG, he’s bisexual. Their friend ended the conversation with Audrey by saying that Kulas used to have a crush on her. How cute.
Before confirming my availability for a date with Kulas, I was reminded by Audrey to stop getting into casual relationships if I wanted something serious. At the same time, she also acknowledged that she knew how horny I was, so she warned me not to get in too deep. As a result, I structured my date with Kulas to be ramen, then dessert, then Netflix and chill™ at my place for second dessert (if you know what I mean). He already told me that he didn’t have money, so I would be paying, which was a red flag for Audrey. I dismissed it as saying that it was a small price to pay for a fuck.6
We agreed to meet at the H&M at the mall beside my place, and because he was so short, I really couldn’t see him from behind all those clothes racks. When I did see him, he at least came as advertised,7 and he came on time. He looked so handsome in person, too. His outfit was on point from the knees up: beige shorts cut just above the knee, a polo in my favorite shade of green, and aviators with clear lens. His shoes, however, disappointed, but whatever.8 It was lunch, then sex. All of it was going to be on the floor in a few hours, anyway.
At lunch, he did the unspeakable of closeted dating: at the table, he sat beside me instead of across me. It could not have been more obvious that we were on a date. I could not have felt more kilig either.9
The proper way to describe the conversation between two men on a first date is to call it a competition: who is more impressive? Kulas lamented how H&M was on sale because he had already done all of his shopping in Korea last week. Meanwhile, I said that I was in town just to shop for my beach trip in a few days. I added that I wasn’t looking forward to getting sick because after my beach trip, I would be jetting off to Hokkaido.
When we were done building the illusion that we were masters of the universe, we went back down to Earth and talked about everything else over ice cream at St. Mark Café. Now talking about Riverdale, I got my segue to invite him up to my condo, and he took it. Unfortunately, Netflix wasn’t working with me. The Internet was down, so we had to resort to watching the only movies that I had on my computer: the short vacation movies I made and Breakfast at Tiffany’s. I wasn’t too keen on watching the latter because it was my favorite movie. It’s not something I’m comfortable sharing with a first date because it was so special to me.
Watching all of my vacation videos took ten minutes, and we obviously needed to see something else. So, Breakfast at Tiffany’s it was. By the time Holly Golightly promised Mr. Yunioshi that she would model for him, Kulas and I were in a tight cuddle. He started looking for spots to tickle on my body, and when he finally found one, I told him to quit it or else I was going to have to kiss him. Our eyes met for a split-second, and then it happened. We started making out… a lot. Piece by piece, my clothes left my body and were thrown on the floor, as did his. We didn’t go all the way, but we did not stop kissing until Holly Golightly started looking for her cat.
To take a break from kissing, we went back to talking about everything else. I interrogated him about having sex with someone from every LRT station, and teased if he only went out with me to embody that reputation. He denied it. It’s just that the last six or seven people he’s dated lived near LRT stations. I also found out that he used to be in a relationship with a girl for three years before she left him for med school. The guy he dated seriously after her cheated on him a month into their not-really-a-relationship relationship. It was because of this boy that Kulas had no intention of being in a relationship, nor was he looking for one, at least. In return, I told him how head over heels I was over Walt, who never felt the same way I did, how he cheated on me, too, and how he started dating my sister’s best friend when we were over. Kulas asked me to describe Walt physically. As it turns out, they matched on Tinder recently, so I guess that meant that Walt was single again… or that he was cheating again.
Anyway, Breakfast at Tiffany’s ended three hours ago, and neither Kulas nor I had the intention to stop talking. Judging from what he was sharing with me (which was a lot), I figured that I could drop hints that I was looking for a relationship, and I did. While he kept saying that it wasn’t for him, his still being in my place, talking to me for the last seven hours, told me otherwise. “I’m not going to chase you,” he said. Well then, I’d like to see him try to resist me.
Another two-hour long make-out session later, I told him that I wanted McDonald’s. It was 11PM when we finished eating. I asked him to sleep over, but he said that he was doing a visita iglesia with his ex-girlfriend the next morning.10 Accepting defeat, I just asked him how he was getting home because the last train left the station near my place when we started making out not too long ago. He said that he would be riding an FX, hearing which had me taken aback. Flashbacks to the last time I saw Walt flooded my mind when I walked him to where the FX’s were, but Kulas did the most magical thing that reminded me that I wasn’t dating Walt—I was dating Kulas. After giving him a hug to thank him for our ten-hour date, he kissed me on the cheek, out in public. Damn, son.
- Plain black tee with a bomber jacket, slim-fit jeans, whatever shoes are getting all the hype on Instagram, topped with a dad cap
- Read: He seemed intellectual enough to carry a conversation.
- I’m not anti-masc; I just don’t want to be in any sort of gay-for-pay relationship.
- The word she used was silahis, which is how “bisexual” would be translated into Filipino. For some reason, it sounds hilarious in my head.
- Rumor has it, Kulas has fucked someone from every LRT station in Manila, which doesn’t intimidate me at all, considering I’ve fucked someone from almost every city I’ve been to in the world.
- So much for not wanting anything gay-for-pay… Does it count as gay-for-pay if he’s not straight?
- Walt used photos from when he was 30 pounds lighter; the Brazilian was 37, not 27. Need I say more?
- He was wearing sandals. I’m a non-believer of wearing open-toed footwear unless you’re at the beach. I hate seeing people’s feet in public, even though they are one of the weirdest things that turn me on in bed.
- As kilig as I was, he sat beside me not because he was being sweet, but because he was trying to hide his strabismus.
- He never went. I teased that he was missing me way too much to go out with some girl. Guess who’s right.