Come February, following a year of having casual sex, dating three guys in two days, and exclusively dating one for six months, I couldn’t help but wonder how, two weeks before Valentine’s Day, I was single and dateless. Truthfully, I knew the answer, and it was pretty obvious—I was single and dateless two weeks before Valentine’s because I broke up with Walt, who had promised that he’d take me out on Valentine’s Day, what would have been my first one with a guy, when we were still happy and had each other in our futures. But our breakup isn’t what this is about. This is about Cody.
Given my whoring spree and apparent lack of offline resources, I was fresh out of options… or so I thought. Seeing a new guy on Growlr is like seeing the new iPhone for the first time—you can’t wait to get your hands on it. Cody was 19. He was an advertising major from the same university I went to when I was an undergraduate, which was a major plus over the other guys I’ve been with. For starters, that meant that he had money, something I’d write about for another story. It also meant that we had a lot more to talk about because we lived in the same world. To top it all off, he was packaged in a fluffy 5’6” body and looked like a fresh-faced Chinito cutie on Candy Magazine. So cute.
He and I met under the circumstance that we would be going on the weirdest date ever. I was supposed to cook lunch for my sister that day, and I still needed to go grocery-shopping for that. Since his classes didn’t start until 12:30, he opted to come with me, and offered to help me cook. Romantic, oui? My heart flustered on my way out to meet him, but if felt like it was hit by a bullet when words first came out of his tiny mouth.
“Let’s get one thing straight—I’m not a relationship person.”
Well, what was I expecting anyway? We did meet on Growlr. I remained hopeful, still, because I immediately knew why he wasn’t looking for a boyfriend. He wasn’t out, and from everything he was telling me, I could tell that he was just like me before I went out on my first date with a guy. He called me “bruh,” and brushed off any conversation about being gay while we were still out in public. He was, however, more adventurous than I was. While he claims to be a virgin, he’s fooled around with a couple of guys.
When we got to my condo, my sister was unexpectedly home early. Luckily, my bedroom was directly across the front door, so Cody and I were able to dash into it. Because we couldn’t do our original date plans any more, we did the next best thing—we made out.
We were kissing and dry humping to the sound of the conjoined twins runway challenge of RuPaul’s Drag Race, which he put on my computer before we started kissing. Making out led to him nibbling my neck, and to me making him sit on top of me. He asked me to give him a hickey, and because his neck wasn’t salty1, I gave him three. An hour of that and a bit of heavy petting later, we took a break, and he borrowed my phone to check out my photos.
“How do you know this guy?” he asked when he came across a photo of the guy who was giving me a blowjob about fifteen minutes before I met Walt for our first date. “We used to hang out. I haven’t talked to him in months,” I said. “He’s the reason why I’m not a relationship person. We went on four dates then he went completely psycho on me,” Cody said. “If it weren’t for him, I would have considered looking for a relationship,” he added.
Well damn. That opened a window for me, though. I could rescue Cody from the post-traumatic stress of a failed relationship. Before we said our goodbyes, I promised to take him out on a real date where we’d actually eat and talk about something other than our old lovers. And because I was just in town for a few days, I told him that I would be asking him out every day that I was there. It seemed like he didn’t mind, but we never went out. A few days later, he sent me this (me in green, him in gray):
Fuck. But I meant it when I said that I appreciate him telling me. He could be lying about seeing another guy to hedge the possibility of him not being interested in me, so comparing him to everyone else I’ve dated, he’s one classy act.
- Fun fact about the guys who go to my university (myself, included): We Uber everywhere, so we don’t walk under the sun. As much as possible, we try not to walk to keep ourselves from sweating, which would detract from us smelling and looking ~fresh~. As for sweating, the only places to do that are: (1) at the gym, (2) at the school’s PE building, and (3) in bed, naked with someone else.